The Crystal Clarity Of A Winter's Night

Friday November 20, 2009

I have rewritten this blog post at least 4 times…twice while driving. Well, just notes jotted down quickly as I was driving. And still my quest remains unfinished. How to word it, what to say changes the more I spend time thinking about it. Not that the events themselves change…just perspective.

I have returned back to Texas once more…I am tired, beyond tired to almost delirious and yet here I am posting to my blog. When was the last time I slept fully…hmmm. Last Friday perhaps, I am unsure.

I left the warmth of a clear Texas day with temperatures hovering around 75° and began the 1100 miles to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. The National Weather Service was predicting a major snow fall a night or two before so with some trepidation and a cell phone strapped to my hip, Texas cowgirl style, I left. I grew up in the Midwest so snow was not unfamiliar to me and it seemed like all would be in the cleanup stages just as or before I arrived. Although I must admit I searched for awhile to find my winter coat and boots.

Why did I go there instead of him coming here or choosing someplace less weather volatile? It seemed appropriate that a slave should, at least this first time, go to her Master. Even that the journey be perhaps a bit dangerous in some respects. It was a symbol of my commitment and symbols seem so very important when important things are about to transpire. And the gorgeous beauty of the mountains drew me almost as much. Another symbol of returning to the simplicity of a natural relationship between a woman and a man.

Regardless if you agree I believe women were made to serve men and that the world revolves on a much smoother axis when this “balance” has returned. Anyway, it indeed does for me with this one man. I in no way mean a degrading relationship that exists in many parts of the world. Not all men are worthy of the devotion of a woman and just because a person has a cock between their legs does not make them deserving of having my tongue lick the creases of their boots. It is earned over time and much dedication on his part. But I digress…….

My skin has adjusted to the mild winters of the south and while I thought I remembered how cutting it could be I was still ill prepared when some 8 hours later as I stepped out to refuel , a wind of 23° F wrapped itself around me like a fuzzy blanket full of holes. My teeth chattered and my fingers and arms tried to pull back up into my sleeves. What *was* I thinking! People generally go south in the winter not north! As usual I find myself going against the grain of mainstream thought. But what pleasures are to be had in such a lack luster life?

The cabin was less of a cabin and more of a huge house on the side of spectacular mountain views. There was nothing a person could want for. It was for all practical purposes an elegant home with all amenities provided. There was no room without breathtaking views. And I am not exaggerating. Every room was worthy of a portrait.

The main living area had one wall that was just windows...slanted back and upward. I moved an overstuffed chair so that after dark we could just sit there and quietly watch the stars glitter across the sky in an unending parade of lights that still hold the same patterns as the ancients saw.

And so against this back drop did I meet my Master….

I am in all worlds now a fully collared slave as of the evening of November 17, 2009. I thought I was prepared for the feeling, but there is no way one is ready for such a life changing event. Bound am I in full real life BDSM.

I am making this all sound so easy and in reality it was not.

I went to meet this man I have laughed, loved and served for over two years in texted chat and voice only. His words and ways seduced me and my love grew. I prayed to the Goddess that all our feelings would be affirmed when first we met.
What happened was I became even more enchanted …his quiet strength filled the place as soon as he entered it.

I was nervous beyond belief all of a sudden I knew nothing. How to act what to say when to kneel when not to. When to defer to him when not to touch and when to…countless and endless questions ran through my mind. What if I am not as he imagined I would be? Not pleasing enough in some fashion, not pretty enough, smart enough, quick enough in learning all he asked of me. It’s always been easy for me to write things so a text online environment was very easy in relation to what I now faced.

I sat on one end of the sofa and he sat on the other end. Our conversation stumbled over my inability to let go of my anxiety. And I worried that things were not going at all like I dreamed they would. So I let myself fall into the role I knew with him best. …service. He had not eaten so I prepared some cheese, fruit, crackers and some wine. As I returned to him I sat on the floor instead of beside him and my soul took a real audible breath at last. My gaze took him in and I felt familiar warmth. Like taking a sip of fine cognac …the warmth filling my mouth and tongue melting down my throat and extending to my finger tips. A delicious calming thing that brought a flush to my face.

We talked of many things. Things we had spoken of in the past that we used now as a door to reach through. I often closed my eyes as he spoke. His voice was my Master. The same sultry whispery tone that makes a woman want to remove her undergarments and spread her legs in a very unlady like fashion. Oh but the pleasures...the innumerable pleasures of it.

We went out for dinner that night to a small authentic intimate Italian restaurant. His manner was one of a man who is used to being very much in charge of things. When the waitress handed me a menu he took it and ordered for us both. Although we had discussed such things…to finally have it done in real life was beyond my expectations. It sent a rush of adrenaline throughout my body.

After dinner we returned “home” had more wine and talked more. We spoke of expectations and of complications of family for both of us. This lifestyle has many misconceptions and stereotypes that family and friends can find difficult or impossible to accept. That is the reality of taking things real life.
Acknowledging those issues we continued on deciding that we would handle each of them in turn as they arose giving each the thoughtful and loving consideration they deserved.

As I knelt before him and he locked his collar around my neck the soft leather with his name burned into it, whispered to me a secret…a secret that is only bequeathed upon those who have gone the distance learned the lessons and done the work. “You have been transported into a rapturous life”.

My words seemed to stick in my throat as I watched him slip the key to my collar into the pocket of his pants. I looked up at him heart pounding and offered him my own gifts, symbols again of my submission. An English riding crop and a key to my apartment. My whole life was his from that day forward.

We had spoken often of how things might go without anything written in stone. To just let everything unravel just as time does. I had been under sexual restrictions for months, most of that was self imposed because my desire had focused on him and only him. However in these last 5 days I was also restricted from self pleasuring. And he had chosen as another gift to me to not cum as well. To make our desire and appeasement more intense when we did come together. And to recognize the commitment we made to this M/s relationship. I chuckled a bit when he said he was never going to go 5 days without cumming again. In all seriousness though it was a huge concession on his part and meant a lot to me.

In the early morning hours then, did my real life Master claim me as his real life slave. Me kneeling again before him under the stars of the universe adoring and pleasuring his cock. Kissing it lightly before parting my lips and sliding his smooth hardness inside my mouth. His leash was secured to my collar and his hand held my hair tightly. It was a moment of bliss for me to watch his face and feel his body react to what I was doing. And when he finally succumbed to the moment and pulsed in my throat drenching it with his sweet thick cum, tears stung my eyes.

There were over these days a plethora of emotions and feelings. The transformation from online to real life is not simply a stroll from one room to another. Online is much easier and while I do respect that it is the reason we came together it was also a bit of a stumbling block. In a surreal way, we knew each other well but did not know each other at all. It was a paradox.

The following day was rich in experimenting with our reactions to actual flogging and a scene involving me tied and bound in rope…vulnerable with no possibility of escape. I gave to my Master the trust he had earned as my online Master but the fear *was* there.

All the things we had learned were implemented in real time. My body felt everything. There was no part of me that did not hurt. It was glorious.

I have written this all from my view of things without trying to take to much liberty with what it must have been like for him because we have not fully discussed its aftermath.

Why haven’t we?

In a very real way we have just met, him and I, and now we need to learn each other on this level. The level where our relationship becomes a part of the greater whole of life for both of us not just a couple hours here and there on the computer. Just as there are miscommunications in vanilla relationships there most certainly is in this kind as well.

It may seem odd that we still went forth with the collaring with all of these variables that we were uncertain about but I think we both needed to try out some things that would be a huge part of our life so that we knew if we should go further with each other. We had spent a couple years now playing the parts we had to push it further.

I cried... I cried a lot. Meeting real life had the intensity to bring everything to the forefront. Every fear deep and dark and otherwise. No more illusions this was the real deal. There is a reason that many many relationships even vanilla ones do not survive once they step past the veil of online. Some things just cannot transcend into the light.

I will tell you now what I have learned in this past week. I know that the person he portrayed online is in fact who he is. He is quiet, strong and compassionate. I myself am quiet and so I can appreciate and actually very much enjoy that side of him. His passions run deep for everything he loves.

I am more in love with him then I was before we met. There are parts of the last week that were very very hard and emotional. But I can imagine no other man as being my Master. If it is within my power to be the slave he needs to be fulfilled in his dominance then I will do it, given the chance and his continued desire to have me be his.

I love you, my Master, with a strength and intensity that not even a northern Canadian jet stream could breach. I would like to keep your collar and I wish to remain your slave. The highlights of the past few days are just a delicious taste of the many ways I have of serving you. I await only your approval and acceptance of me.