Tuesday, October 27, 2009

A Comment from Stephen

When Eirene began this blog several weeks ago, she gave me the ability to make posts of my own. I saw this as a sincere act of submission to me, and one that embodies many of the things that she has been posting here: trust in me and my discretion, relinquishing of power to me.

To my mind, some of the most sincere acts of submission are the small ones. Like giving me control over her blog. Being certain to have my favorite foods and drinks on hand. Paying attention to those things I like so that she anticipates my desires even before I express them.

I have not told Eirene that I am making this post, and the first time that she becomes aware of it will be when she visits her own blog and discovers a post that she did not make.

I have decided to make this post on Eirene’s blog for two reasons. First, because I have learned that control needs to be exercised. And this post just by its existence reminds my girl that she has given me control and that I *will* exercise it – not just here, in this simple way, but in every aspect of her life. And that there will be times when she is not immediately aware that the control *is* being exercised, but it is there nonetheless.

Second, I have something I want to say. It is short and simple. I have read every word of this blog. And I have said what I have to say to Eirene privately, but I want all to know it.

I am intensely proud of my slave.
I love you, Eirene.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Songs That Describe My Relationship With My Master

October 26, 2009
22 Days Until I Meet My Master



Evanescence - Bring Me To Life

Kelly Clarkson — You Found Me

I have been searching so long for a Master...a lifetime of blind alleys and corners. I have made more mistakes in choosing men then I care to admit here. They either could not or would not take my “leash” meaning that they could not or would not take control of me. In which case I was ruthless in my backlash of frustration and proceeded in no uncertain terms to pretty much walk all over them in my four inch heels. The other extreme was to find myself with abusive men that tried to destroy every good feeling I ever had about myself by beating it out of me on a regular basis.

So I numbed myself, put myself in a place where I felt nothing. Put up walls no one could break down. Or so I thought until I met…Master Stephen. I quit looking and suddenly there he was. He saw something in me no one else did. I think figuratively I did a double take and looked behind myself. He *had* to be looking at some other slave. He was strong confident very Dom and droolingly handsome. I was ecstatic and angry at the same time. From OMG you finally found me to where the hell have you been? Now all of that has passed and I find myself on the brink of a lifelong fantasy of how I wanted to live my life. In service to a Master that knows the meaning of that word. Has the desire and the ability to take control of me, bend me and mold me. The past fades for me now. It no longer matters how I got here just that I *am* here and here I will remain in faithful service until my Master decides his use of me is complete. He really has…. brought me to life.


Michael Buble – Lost

Again dealing with my feelings of being lost with no direction and him gently but deliberately guiding me back. What was it I wonder that he saw in that lost haunted woman he met a couple years ago? With his incredible sense of when to be stern and when to be seductively sweet drawing out my submissive side. I am not only no longer lost I have come home.


Andrew Lloyd Webber - The Music Of The Night

If the other songs were my Master finding me, this one is what I have become within his hands. A slave I now think any Master would be proud to own but there is only one I care to submit myself to. And he is the one that saw something no one else took the time to. This song is hypnotic and pulls at those deep recesses of me that begs to serve.


**I have spent my whole life running and its time to stop. Even from my Master have I tried to run and *every* single time he appears in the place I have run to...not even out of breath. In fact as if he had been casually waiting for me to show up there.

If this is all a dream…please please please do not wake me up!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

What Qualities Or Character Traits Does A Master Need To Have In Order To Gain My Consent To Serve?

October 24, 2009

24 Days Until I meet My Master

What qualities or character traits does a Master need to have in order to gain my consent to serve? Why do I feel they are important?

This may be the most important aspect of the whole M/s relationship. These are the things a slave should research *before* that collar is locked around her neck. And they are different depending on the slave.

*Compassionate Sadist - I enjoy pain with a Master who is a controlled compassionate sadist. I get true pleasure from it, a physical rush of adrenaline to ecstasy. It also allows me a release of my inner pain. If he is not a sadist to my masochist side I will not be able to feel my slavery fully within his ownership of me.

*Limits should be comparable – I think it’s important that we have the similar kinks or it is not going to be very fulfilling for either of us. I want my Master to enjoy my service and I want to enjoy it also. If he were to be say… into medical play and I vomited at the sight of needles...that is something I should have found out before hand.

*24/7 slave with sex being a component of the domination – My slavery is not going to be complete without a 24/7 life of it. So a Master that wishes a slave on a part time basis is not going to feed my craving for total control. And sex is an important part of that equation. Giving up control of even my sex to be used for his pleasure.

*Self Control – If he can’t control himself then how can he control me?

*A Sense of Humor - Essential in a lifestyle that often ends up in hysterically funny positions, or situations. When I beg to be released from his full rope bondage that he just spent two hours at perfecting each and every knot and braiding the crotch ropes, and suddenly I need to use the little submissive’s room, does he laugh and say, “Sure, no problem. I built in a quick release.” and then patiently re-tie every knot when I come crawling back for more? Or, does he yell, “I told you to go pee before we started! I am not releasing you! This rope work is art!” Well, that surely doesn’t sound very much like he has a sense of humor to me, much less the fact he just flunked Self-Control 101, not to mention about 15 other standards in my head.

*Capacity to Love, Be Loved and to Express that Love. - Easy to discern. Do his eyes smile at me with those cute little crinkles in the corners? Can he clean up after I vomit for two days with the flu? Can he let me clean up after him when he’s been vomiting for two days from the flu? When I say, “I love you, Master”, does he softly caress my hair and I know he means it when he says, “I love you too, my girl.” Or does he huff and puff and suddenly decide he might miss an appointment if he doesn’t leave right now. Doesn’t sound like he even knows what love is.

*Desire to Learn and Grow, for both of us. - I would rather not have a Master who thinks he already has all the answers, before the two of us have even begun to figure out the questions? If I have this burning (no pun intended) desire to experience fire play, I would want to know that he would seek expert training before lighting me on fire. Part of his ‘job’ and mine, is to keep me safe from harm. If he can’t admit that he doesn’t know everything about everything, and harms me trying to show his ‘skills’, well, that doesn’t sound so great to me.

*Poly relationships – I think “working” poly relationships can be extremely rewarding for all involved and I love the dynamics of having other slaves that are committed to the same goal as I am. My Master’s happiness. While it may not always be part of our relationship it is an important for me to know that if that next slave were to present herself or himself, that my Master has that expectation that he would enjoy those kinds of relationships as well.

I think in closing I would just like to add that thinking and questioning your own “requirements” for a Master is critically important. If you are looking for a Master slave or Dominant submissive relationship there are things you must find out first if there is any hope of it lasting beyond the next scene. Do the work needed and then submit fully knowing that you as the slave/sub have done everything you could to ensure the success of the relationship before it even begins.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My Lion Sleeps

October 21, 2009

27 Days Until I meet My Master


Its early morning, very early …around 3:30am. As I slip from beneath the warmth of the down comforter, He barely stirs and I smile as I pause a moment to watch him sleeping so deep and peaceful. My eyes roam over his lean hard naked body before I cover him.

Outside the window, fresh fallen snow sparkles, even on this moonless night. Each crystal glass like particle, reflecting the glitter of the stars as they dance and dip in the chill wind. The very wind that speaks to me now in hushed whispers as it skips along with some last lingering dried leaves...its incantation a prediction of my future. “You ……are……. owned………….”

My body, not used to the harshness of winter, shivers as I reach for my robe lying in abandon across an ornate Victorian era chair. How many women have over the many years of its existence done likewhys? What memories are infolded within the richness of the ruby brocade fabric?

I rise and head to the bathroom. Standing in front of the full length mirror naked, my toes sinking into the softness of the carpet as my fingers move to my neck to run along the edge of my collar….*His* collar.

My hair, is a mass of wildness surrounding a pale flawless face. “Do I look different” I wonder to myself. “I certainly *feel* different. My body hurts in places I did not know it could hurt. How do I feel? Completely possessed, owned. My imagination did not do this feeling justice.”

I turn my back to the mirror and look over my shoulder biting my lower lip. My back is Pink with raised marks from my Master’s flogger. Between my legs are streaks of blood mixed with his rapture . My body trembles as I watch my lips speak the words. “My Master.”

I hear him moan in his sleep and I look quickly out the door. My Lion still sleeps in that deeply sated contented way of truly dominant men. I close the door again leaving a crack open just in case he awakens and calls for me. I flip on the shower adjusting the temperature as I step into the vaporous heat, letting it sink into my aching used body.

I bring a bar of rose soap to my nose and breathe it in…the fragrance fills my lungs and I murmur contentedly then begin to lather my body. Fingers gliding freely over my softness and down between my thighs gasping at my tenderness there. I take a step back fully immersing myself in the flow of the water as it cascades down the lusciousness of my newly awakened senses. Rinsing off the bubbles as they burst in frothy mounds.

The rose fragrance of my shampoo imparts itself within the strands of my hair as I scrub my scalp. Steam fills the small room like a fog and as I step out I notice the mirror has misted over. I smile and leave a simple message upon the glass. A bit of magick to end two days that has changed my path in life forever.

I wrap my body within my black velour robe and quiver slightly as it brushes against my tender back. As I tiptoe back out into the bedroom I listen to his rhythmic breathing that lets me know he still sleeps.

The view of the magnificence of the surrounding mountains hits me with renewed reverence as I enter the living room. The windows of the cabin go from floor to ceiling allowing nature to be the only art needed.

I cup my hands around a freshly brewed cup of coffee as subtle scents of nuts, vanilla and cinnamon welcome me to the early dawn. I am living a dream in a land dreams. Maybe the rest of life will fade away to leave me this... and only this.

I close my eyes and see again that lusty darkness in his eyes. His dominant needs demanding appeasement. His cock testifying and standing erect in full glory as the instrument of that need.

All night the night before last he had lain with me holding me and had not exercised his control over me. Lying in the same bed that is now filled with the perfume of our spent passions my Master had denied himself. Was it to show me he could control himself and keep his word when it was given? Was it really all about trust? Trust grounded in true love.

Was it just yesterday morning that I had knelt before him and offered my submission which he accepted as he placed his collar around my neck?...

My whole body turns in response as I hear him call me and with renewed purpose and direction I set the cup beside the sink.

My Master calls and to his bed I return to quell any desires that have come to light in dawns break over snowy mountains.

As I pass the doorway to the bedroom I step out of my past and into the arms of my future.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

What Are My Greatest Weaknesses As A Slave? What Am I Doing To Help Improve That?

October 18, 2009
30 Days Until I Meet My Master

I would have to say my greatest weaknesses are my self doubt, lack of confidence, my need for reassurance, my difficulty in trusting and my anxiety. Not that their manifestation was not justified but that does not make them acceptable now.

What can I do to improve that? How do I stop the voices in my head that say I am not good enough? Why are the bad things so much easier to believe?

So what are some things that will increase my self esteem and confidence? *Teach* something, regardless of what that might be. I love teaching or mentoring others. It’s a sharing of self and what is important to me, and so my passion for the topic tends to brush away my fears. I *always* feel stronger more sure of myself. It’s in the sharing with others that we learn how much we really know and it’s always a delightful surprise and confirmation to me of how far I have come. And when others do well and expand on their own thoughts with the seeds I have sown, I also blossom.

Writing, writing and more writing. Another powerful passion of mine that imparts back to me the feeling of having created something that speaks my heart to others. It’s a huge release of the emotions I often feel lay trapped within me.

When I do have time on my own I need to do nurturing things. Things that feel good, within the parameters of my Master’s rules of course. What I mean is little things like taking a walk or a drive. Curling up with a good book. Perhaps a long candlelit bath with an exceptional wine in hand and some soothing music. Sew, garden, do some casual shopping, go to a salon for some pampering. Visit a museum or someplace where I can see and or touch animals, rock and hold babies.

All of these things and more refresh my spirit and make me a better woman and slave when I am once again within his presence.

None of these things change those seemingly bottomless fears overnight. It’s a process like anything else. And I must not allow myself to be continuously in the presence or earshot of those that would try to quash my tender growing confidence.

If my Master is pleased with me that is all that I require. He is that fresh breeze that blows through to my core. He has awakened a part of me that I thought long dead. He *will* have the best slave I can be.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Three Things That I need To Be Emotionally Fulfilled By My Service To My Master

October 15, 2009

33 days until I meet my Master

It’s very hard for me as sub to think about my own personal needs much less talk about them and discuss them. That being said it is a good discussion point and important in that a slave that feels emotionally content and secure will never withdraw her consent even if that is just in an emotional way and not in a physical way.

I am fighting a little with the word “need” which sounds so very demanding to me. And yet in every type of relationship we as human beings have, we have needs in regards to those. This 24/7, D/s, M/s, relationship has the very specific needs of the Dominant spelled out for me. I like it that way. I do not want to have to guess what he expects or wants. But what do *I* need?

To make this relationship work and last … what do I need from him?

1.) I need to feel protected.

I have a past that has left me with issues of fearing emotional and physical bodily harm. It is my self protection that presents itself in various forms a few of those being:

Checking to make sure my door is locked 10 times before I can sleep. Sleeping on the side of the bed farthest from the bedroom door and with my body facing the door.

Most people have this illusion of personal safety like a bubble around them. Mine was taken long ago.

I also have an amazing ability to “appear” emotionally distant and cold. Leaving a relationship before someone can leave me. Never, never ever needing anyone.

But I do need my Master. And I feel his protection in many ways. I like that he knows where I am or can find out where I am simply by phoning ((my cell phone has GPS enabled)). Some might see this as a non trusting type issue …I see it as him being able to find me if something horrible happens and I need him.

When I awaken from a nightmare and he holds me…soothes me, this is also a form of protection.

When he states in word and deed that he will never allow anyone to hurt me.

2.) I need to know he “hears” me. And I mean this in a specific way. He listens, not just about any concerns I might have regarding a scene we have done or situation that has come up or a question I have but the lighthearted silly things as well ...the quiet sharing bonding things.

And even when the conversation is difficult for me and the answer to it even more so…ultimately it’s not about the question or his decision regarding it that will have the most lasting effect. It’s the fact that he took the time to hear me. That he acknowledged it, that it had value, even if it that value was just bringing a smile to his face or having him laugh with me or hold me reassuringly.

3.) I need to feel cherished, accepted for all I am even the darker parts. Otherwise how can I share with him all of my heart and all of my deepening submission.


Without these three things I cannot trust and without trust there is no submission.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Ten Ways I Can Indirectly Serve My Master

October 11, 2009
37 Days until I meet my Master


Make sure my body is always ready to serve him. Pampered, pretty and dressed well. Always pleasing to look at …a delight to the senses of sight, smell and touch and voice, so that others admire what he owns even when I am not with him.

Obedient and respectful of my place no matter where I am or who I am with. The world is really a very small place and I will no doubt run into people that know my Master.

Make sure I have the wine and beer he likes, cheese he likes, fruit he likes.

Record the shows he likes to watch so that he can enjoy them at his leisure.

All Master/slave equipment kept clean taken care of and put away in their proper places. Ready when he wishes to use them again.

Be on the lookout for shows or movies or events he might be interested in.

Always watch to see if there are any available women that catch his interest. His pleasure brings me pleasure. Be that with my body or the body of another.

Learn to cook what he likes to eat just the way he likes it.

Always have some of the cookies he likes available.

Do things that heighten my own desire so that I am intensely sexual at all times.

Make sure his printer always has paper and extra ink.

That his iPod, phone, blackberry are all charged and ready for him.

All his clothing is clean pressed and put away. Any buttons that may be loose removed and replaced or refastened.

His home always clean and welcoming to him.

If there is a book or reference he wants or needs that the next time he sits down to work or read he has it.

Learn new things that I think might be pleasing to him, like massage or gourmet cooking or even a foreign language.

A few books for him to choose from for me to read to him while he relaxes.

((Okay so, that’s more than ten. I kind of got carried away. *smiles*))

Saturday, October 10, 2009

What Is My Most Valuable Asset to My Master

October 10, 2009
38 days until I meet my Master

I believe it is my quiet reflective side.

Why? Because in my silence I am always listening always watchful. If I am still and quiet I will learn many of his interests and desires.

Being quiet is not a picture of boredom, it’s an opportunity to learn more about him whether he is reading or writing or even among others in a group.

It’s my chance to show my devotion in action and not spoken words.

I take mental notes of what interests him or something he would like to know more about. I am not always able to anticipate his wants but sometimes I am. And his smile is enough of a reward for me to continue forward.

I am able to sit quietly at his feet and be content in that simple act.

I also understand that need for him to have time alone without taking it personally because I need that as well. Within the power exchange we have, it is easier for him as my Master to tell me he will be taking some time to himself.

How I deal with that for myself is to work it around a time when he is not home or has other things he must or wants to do that do not include me. I keep a list of things mostly of the creative kind, so that if time does become available I am then not wasting time wondering what to do. I feel these alone times also make me a more complete and happy slave. I would explain these moments as meditative even. Helping me clear my mind and refocus.

This also gives me a chance to process things if I need to before I talk about them with my Master. I tend to not speak of things right away when they happen but draw them inside myself and think and rethink them. In the past that would have been as far as my thoughts ever got. But now that I am owned I do bring them up in our quieter moments in casual chat. His insights on things always leave me feeling so safe. There really is nothing I feel like I cannot talk to him about. It’s just that sometimes it takes me awhile to get there.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Needing Him As Opposed To Being Needy.

October 9, 2009

What *is* the difference?

I am/was? An independent woman, needing no one. I have deep issues of abandonment. If I don’t need anyone they can’t hurt me when they leave. Bonding, attaching and getting close to someone can cause incredible and deep wounding mental pain.

I am very sexy and very fun, but have not been very loving. With both hands I have spent my life pushing away the very thing I crave. I will leave before I am left. I will not grovel beg or plead. I will pack up my things and go before the words ever come to your lips. I don’t need you…how is it then that I find myself here…needing you?

I can kneel at your feet begging silently for your touch and without a word walk out the front door.

On some basic level, we are meant to need others. To connect, engage, share… love. …beyond all subtext and agenda, looking past all the wreckage of our pasts and baggage… we all want …..No, *need* to know & be known…

If I have become dependent on my Master does that make me a sad pathetic creature? Or have I found a level of protection and love most other women can only dream of?

Have I come all this way to lose myself?

If he wanted me enough to claim me this completely would he then change my core, my essence? Will I still be me?

He tells me that I am loved, safe and cared for. I do feel all of those things all the time.

I need his control.

With complete dependence brings complete vulnerability

I feel myself becoming enslaved to such a degree that I fear I will be unable to leave him.

This 24/7 D/s lifestyle is turning into more than theory or fantasy its turning into something that I see lasting for a long time.

If my mindset were *not* altered, would I then become, over time, disillusioned and unhappy in my role at slave?

My need to serve, to belong, to obey, enriches my life. I feel as if the fantasy of my dreams is becoming my reality.

I need his control. I have become dependent on it. What if he decides that after all is said and done...it’s not what he wanted?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Welcome Home Master

With a snap of your fingers I move quickly to your side as you grip my hair tightly before pushing me to my knees pulling back my head so that my throat is bared to you, submissive, vulnerable, and open. The pulse of my life throbs against the proof of your ownership, my collar.

With a smile you take a soft white rope and bind my wrists behind me. My back is streaked with the marks of your flogger, still warm to the touch and raised upon my skin from just this morning. I utter not a word but readily comply with your wordless demands.

Your hold is unrelenting and firm as you lean over to press your lips against my neck and I release my held breath in a shuttering moan as I feel the warmth of your exhale.

I notice the impossible hardness of your cock as it strains out from the fabric of your pants and my breath quickens. A deep growl resonates within your chest and your teeth sink in to the creamy whiteness of my neck. Blood seeps past your lips and over my shoulder. I feel faint and weak in my exhilaration.

As I enter a state of peace and well being you pull back and move my face to the ever growing desire of your cock and I kiss you there…softly, lovingly worshiping that undeniably wonderful male part of you.

You unzip your pants and move your cock past my welcoming lips to the inner warmth and wetness of my mouth. As I run my tongue over the tip, I taste you and I almost cum myself. Your thrusts grow more urgent and forceful and I relax my throat to allow for your complete pleasure. When you finally grant me the gift of your release, it’s thick and sweet on my tongue. I let it linger there as I breathe deeply once again, my body shivering in your pleasure.

As the hold on my hair softens I feel you pull my head to your thigh stroking me gently. I smile and curl myself obediently at your feet.

My eyes full of devotion I look up into yours and I whisper. “Hello, my Master. Welcome home.”

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

41 Days Until I Meet my Master

October 7, 2009


I feel a great many things about that. Excitement for the future and the fear of the unknown and failure. Two years and two months now I have called this man my Master and yet he has not once touched my face or even kissed me. All has been done in words only. Spellbinding words that continue to jump from the page right to my heart.

Progressing to the use of voice chat in the last 6 months has been a monumental leap forward. So much is conveyed with a voice and then there is body language, the missing element. I will drink him in, his every movement, stance, the tilt of his head, the way he smiles or is disapproving all of those wordless ways people communicate. I think at first though I will allow myself to concentrate only on his voice. That voice that can and does charm me, hypnotize me, seduce me, command me, enrapture me, calm me.

I *am* ready. At least as ready as I will ever be. Some things just must be experienced real life. I can go over and over what it all may be like or what I hope it will be like but the truth will reveal itself in the everyday living of a 24/7 D/s relationship.

How will his ownership of me change? Because it certainly will although perhaps maybe expand more than change? Over the past 2 years we have blurred those lines and done some crossover of online and real life. It is all about to become very real life.

As for my fears….What if I fail? What if no matter how much I may want to, I cannot fill that desire in him for the perfect slave? What if I do not match his expectations for me as his slave? What if I am not pretty enough, obedient enough, devoted enough, smart enough to get and keep his interest?

On the other side of things…how would I feel if I let that fear stop me from ever finding out if I *could* do it?