Needing Him As Opposed To Being Needy.

October 9, 2009

What *is* the difference?

I am/was? An independent woman, needing no one. I have deep issues of abandonment. If I don’t need anyone they can’t hurt me when they leave. Bonding, attaching and getting close to someone can cause incredible and deep wounding mental pain.

I am very sexy and very fun, but have not been very loving. With both hands I have spent my life pushing away the very thing I crave. I will leave before I am left. I will not grovel beg or plead. I will pack up my things and go before the words ever come to your lips. I don’t need you…how is it then that I find myself here…needing you?

I can kneel at your feet begging silently for your touch and without a word walk out the front door.

On some basic level, we are meant to need others. To connect, engage, share… love. …beyond all subtext and agenda, looking past all the wreckage of our pasts and baggage… we all want …..No, *need* to know & be known…

If I have become dependent on my Master does that make me a sad pathetic creature? Or have I found a level of protection and love most other women can only dream of?

Have I come all this way to lose myself?

If he wanted me enough to claim me this completely would he then change my core, my essence? Will I still be me?

He tells me that I am loved, safe and cared for. I do feel all of those things all the time.

I need his control.

With complete dependence brings complete vulnerability

I feel myself becoming enslaved to such a degree that I fear I will be unable to leave him.

This 24/7 D/s lifestyle is turning into more than theory or fantasy its turning into something that I see lasting for a long time.

If my mindset were *not* altered, would I then become, over time, disillusioned and unhappy in my role at slave?

My need to serve, to belong, to obey, enriches my life. I feel as if the fantasy of my dreams is becoming my reality.

I need his control. I have become dependent on it. What if he decides that after all is said and done...it’s not what he wanted?