October 7, 2009
I feel a great many things about that. Excitement for the future and the fear of the unknown and failure. Two years and two months now I have called this man my Master and yet he has not once touched my face or even kissed me. All has been done in words only. Spellbinding words that continue to jump from the page right to my heart.
Progressing to the use of voice chat in the last 6 months has been a monumental leap forward. So much is conveyed with a voice and then there is body language, the missing element. I will drink him in, his every movement, stance, the tilt of his head, the way he smiles or is disapproving all of those wordless ways people communicate. I think at first though I will allow myself to concentrate only on his voice. That voice that can and does charm me, hypnotize me, seduce me, command me, enrapture me, calm me.
I *am* ready. At least as ready as I will ever be. Some things just must be experienced real life. I can go over and over what it all may be like or what I hope it will be like but the truth will reveal itself in the everyday living of a 24/7 D/s relationship.
How will his ownership of me change? Because it certainly will although perhaps maybe expand more than change? Over the past 2 years we have blurred those lines and done some crossover of online and real life. It is all about to become very real life.
As for my fears….What if I fail? What if no matter how much I may want to, I cannot fill that desire in him for the perfect slave? What if I do not match his expectations for me as his slave? What if I am not pretty enough, obedient enough, devoted enough, smart enough to get and keep his interest?
On the other side of things…how would I feel if I let that fear stop me from ever finding out if I *could* do it?
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