October 18, 2009
30 Days Until I Meet My Master
I would have to say my greatest weaknesses are my self doubt, lack of confidence, my need for reassurance, my difficulty in trusting and my anxiety. Not that their manifestation was not justified but that does not make them acceptable now.
What can I do to improve that? How do I stop the voices in my head that say I am not good enough? Why are the bad things so much easier to believe?
So what are some things that will increase my self esteem and confidence? *Teach* something, regardless of what that might be. I love teaching or mentoring others. It’s a sharing of self and what is important to me, and so my passion for the topic tends to brush away my fears. I *always* feel stronger more sure of myself. It’s in the sharing with others that we learn how much we really know and it’s always a delightful surprise and confirmation to me of how far I have come. And when others do well and expand on their own thoughts with the seeds I have sown, I also blossom.
Writing, writing and more writing. Another powerful passion of mine that imparts back to me the feeling of having created something that speaks my heart to others. It’s a huge release of the emotions I often feel lay trapped within me.
When I do have time on my own I need to do nurturing things. Things that feel good, within the parameters of my Master’s rules of course. What I mean is little things like taking a walk or a drive. Curling up with a good book. Perhaps a long candlelit bath with an exceptional wine in hand and some soothing music. Sew, garden, do some casual shopping, go to a salon for some pampering. Visit a museum or someplace where I can see and or touch animals, rock and hold babies.
All of these things and more refresh my spirit and make me a better woman and slave when I am once again within his presence.
None of these things change those seemingly bottomless fears overnight. It’s a process like anything else. And I must not allow myself to be continuously in the presence or earshot of those that would try to quash my tender growing confidence.
If my Master is pleased with me that is all that I require. He is that fresh breeze that blows through to my core. He has awakened a part of me that I thought long dead. He *will* have the best slave I can be.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Three Things That I need To Be Emotionally Fulfilled By My Service To My Master
October 15, 2009
33 days until I meet my Master
It’s very hard for me as sub to think about my own personal needs much less talk about them and discuss them. That being said it is a good discussion point and important in that a slave that feels emotionally content and secure will never withdraw her consent even if that is just in an emotional way and not in a physical way.
I am fighting a little with the word “need” which sounds so very demanding to me. And yet in every type of relationship we as human beings have, we have needs in regards to those. This 24/7, D/s, M/s, relationship has the very specific needs of the Dominant spelled out for me. I like it that way. I do not want to have to guess what he expects or wants. But what do *I* need?
To make this relationship work and last … what do I need from him?
1.) I need to feel protected.
I have a past that has left me with issues of fearing emotional and physical bodily harm. It is my self protection that presents itself in various forms a few of those being:
Checking to make sure my door is locked 10 times before I can sleep. Sleeping on the side of the bed farthest from the bedroom door and with my body facing the door.
Most people have this illusion of personal safety like a bubble around them. Mine was taken long ago.
I also have an amazing ability to “appear” emotionally distant and cold. Leaving a relationship before someone can leave me. Never, never ever needing anyone.
But I do need my Master. And I feel his protection in many ways. I like that he knows where I am or can find out where I am simply by phoning ((my cell phone has GPS enabled)). Some might see this as a non trusting type issue …I see it as him being able to find me if something horrible happens and I need him.
When I awaken from a nightmare and he holds me…soothes me, this is also a form of protection.
When he states in word and deed that he will never allow anyone to hurt me.
2.) I need to know he “hears” me. And I mean this in a specific way. He listens, not just about any concerns I might have regarding a scene we have done or situation that has come up or a question I have but the lighthearted silly things as well ...the quiet sharing bonding things.
And even when the conversation is difficult for me and the answer to it even more so…ultimately it’s not about the question or his decision regarding it that will have the most lasting effect. It’s the fact that he took the time to hear me. That he acknowledged it, that it had value, even if it that value was just bringing a smile to his face or having him laugh with me or hold me reassuringly.
3.) I need to feel cherished, accepted for all I am even the darker parts. Otherwise how can I share with him all of my heart and all of my deepening submission.
Without these three things I cannot trust and without trust there is no submission.
33 days until I meet my Master
It’s very hard for me as sub to think about my own personal needs much less talk about them and discuss them. That being said it is a good discussion point and important in that a slave that feels emotionally content and secure will never withdraw her consent even if that is just in an emotional way and not in a physical way.
I am fighting a little with the word “need” which sounds so very demanding to me. And yet in every type of relationship we as human beings have, we have needs in regards to those. This 24/7, D/s, M/s, relationship has the very specific needs of the Dominant spelled out for me. I like it that way. I do not want to have to guess what he expects or wants. But what do *I* need?
To make this relationship work and last … what do I need from him?
1.) I need to feel protected.
I have a past that has left me with issues of fearing emotional and physical bodily harm. It is my self protection that presents itself in various forms a few of those being:
Checking to make sure my door is locked 10 times before I can sleep. Sleeping on the side of the bed farthest from the bedroom door and with my body facing the door.
Most people have this illusion of personal safety like a bubble around them. Mine was taken long ago.
I also have an amazing ability to “appear” emotionally distant and cold. Leaving a relationship before someone can leave me. Never, never ever needing anyone.
But I do need my Master. And I feel his protection in many ways. I like that he knows where I am or can find out where I am simply by phoning ((my cell phone has GPS enabled)). Some might see this as a non trusting type issue …I see it as him being able to find me if something horrible happens and I need him.
When I awaken from a nightmare and he holds me…soothes me, this is also a form of protection.
When he states in word and deed that he will never allow anyone to hurt me.
2.) I need to know he “hears” me. And I mean this in a specific way. He listens, not just about any concerns I might have regarding a scene we have done or situation that has come up or a question I have but the lighthearted silly things as well ...the quiet sharing bonding things.
And even when the conversation is difficult for me and the answer to it even more so…ultimately it’s not about the question or his decision regarding it that will have the most lasting effect. It’s the fact that he took the time to hear me. That he acknowledged it, that it had value, even if it that value was just bringing a smile to his face or having him laugh with me or hold me reassuringly.
3.) I need to feel cherished, accepted for all I am even the darker parts. Otherwise how can I share with him all of my heart and all of my deepening submission.
Without these three things I cannot trust and without trust there is no submission.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Ten Ways I Can Indirectly Serve My Master
October 11, 2009
37 Days until I meet my Master
Make sure my body is always ready to serve him. Pampered, pretty and dressed well. Always pleasing to look at …a delight to the senses of sight, smell and touch and voice, so that others admire what he owns even when I am not with him.
Obedient and respectful of my place no matter where I am or who I am with. The world is really a very small place and I will no doubt run into people that know my Master.
Make sure I have the wine and beer he likes, cheese he likes, fruit he likes.
Record the shows he likes to watch so that he can enjoy them at his leisure.
All Master/slave equipment kept clean taken care of and put away in their proper places. Ready when he wishes to use them again.
Be on the lookout for shows or movies or events he might be interested in.
Always watch to see if there are any available women that catch his interest. His pleasure brings me pleasure. Be that with my body or the body of another.
Learn to cook what he likes to eat just the way he likes it.
Always have some of the cookies he likes available.
Do things that heighten my own desire so that I am intensely sexual at all times.
Make sure his printer always has paper and extra ink.
That his iPod, phone, blackberry are all charged and ready for him.
All his clothing is clean pressed and put away. Any buttons that may be loose removed and replaced or refastened.
His home always clean and welcoming to him.
If there is a book or reference he wants or needs that the next time he sits down to work or read he has it.
Learn new things that I think might be pleasing to him, like massage or gourmet cooking or even a foreign language.
A few books for him to choose from for me to read to him while he relaxes.
((Okay so, that’s more than ten. I kind of got carried away. *smiles*))
37 Days until I meet my Master
Make sure my body is always ready to serve him. Pampered, pretty and dressed well. Always pleasing to look at …a delight to the senses of sight, smell and touch and voice, so that others admire what he owns even when I am not with him.
Obedient and respectful of my place no matter where I am or who I am with. The world is really a very small place and I will no doubt run into people that know my Master.
Make sure I have the wine and beer he likes, cheese he likes, fruit he likes.
Record the shows he likes to watch so that he can enjoy them at his leisure.
All Master/slave equipment kept clean taken care of and put away in their proper places. Ready when he wishes to use them again.
Be on the lookout for shows or movies or events he might be interested in.
Always watch to see if there are any available women that catch his interest. His pleasure brings me pleasure. Be that with my body or the body of another.
Learn to cook what he likes to eat just the way he likes it.
Always have some of the cookies he likes available.
Do things that heighten my own desire so that I am intensely sexual at all times.
Make sure his printer always has paper and extra ink.
That his iPod, phone, blackberry are all charged and ready for him.
All his clothing is clean pressed and put away. Any buttons that may be loose removed and replaced or refastened.
His home always clean and welcoming to him.
If there is a book or reference he wants or needs that the next time he sits down to work or read he has it.
Learn new things that I think might be pleasing to him, like massage or gourmet cooking or even a foreign language.
A few books for him to choose from for me to read to him while he relaxes.
((Okay so, that’s more than ten. I kind of got carried away. *smiles*))
Saturday, October 10, 2009
What Is My Most Valuable Asset to My Master
October 10, 2009
38 days until I meet my Master
I believe it is my quiet reflective side.
Why? Because in my silence I am always listening always watchful. If I am still and quiet I will learn many of his interests and desires.
Being quiet is not a picture of boredom, it’s an opportunity to learn more about him whether he is reading or writing or even among others in a group.
It’s my chance to show my devotion in action and not spoken words.
I take mental notes of what interests him or something he would like to know more about. I am not always able to anticipate his wants but sometimes I am. And his smile is enough of a reward for me to continue forward.
I am able to sit quietly at his feet and be content in that simple act.
I also understand that need for him to have time alone without taking it personally because I need that as well. Within the power exchange we have, it is easier for him as my Master to tell me he will be taking some time to himself.
How I deal with that for myself is to work it around a time when he is not home or has other things he must or wants to do that do not include me. I keep a list of things mostly of the creative kind, so that if time does become available I am then not wasting time wondering what to do. I feel these alone times also make me a more complete and happy slave. I would explain these moments as meditative even. Helping me clear my mind and refocus.
This also gives me a chance to process things if I need to before I talk about them with my Master. I tend to not speak of things right away when they happen but draw them inside myself and think and rethink them. In the past that would have been as far as my thoughts ever got. But now that I am owned I do bring them up in our quieter moments in casual chat. His insights on things always leave me feeling so safe. There really is nothing I feel like I cannot talk to him about. It’s just that sometimes it takes me awhile to get there.
38 days until I meet my Master
I believe it is my quiet reflective side.
Why? Because in my silence I am always listening always watchful. If I am still and quiet I will learn many of his interests and desires.
Being quiet is not a picture of boredom, it’s an opportunity to learn more about him whether he is reading or writing or even among others in a group.
It’s my chance to show my devotion in action and not spoken words.
I take mental notes of what interests him or something he would like to know more about. I am not always able to anticipate his wants but sometimes I am. And his smile is enough of a reward for me to continue forward.
I am able to sit quietly at his feet and be content in that simple act.
I also understand that need for him to have time alone without taking it personally because I need that as well. Within the power exchange we have, it is easier for him as my Master to tell me he will be taking some time to himself.
How I deal with that for myself is to work it around a time when he is not home or has other things he must or wants to do that do not include me. I keep a list of things mostly of the creative kind, so that if time does become available I am then not wasting time wondering what to do. I feel these alone times also make me a more complete and happy slave. I would explain these moments as meditative even. Helping me clear my mind and refocus.
This also gives me a chance to process things if I need to before I talk about them with my Master. I tend to not speak of things right away when they happen but draw them inside myself and think and rethink them. In the past that would have been as far as my thoughts ever got. But now that I am owned I do bring them up in our quieter moments in casual chat. His insights on things always leave me feeling so safe. There really is nothing I feel like I cannot talk to him about. It’s just that sometimes it takes me awhile to get there.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Needing Him As Opposed To Being Needy.
October 9, 2009
What *is* the difference?
I am/was? An independent woman, needing no one. I have deep issues of abandonment. If I don’t need anyone they can’t hurt me when they leave. Bonding, attaching and getting close to someone can cause incredible and deep wounding mental pain.
I am very sexy and very fun, but have not been very loving. With both hands I have spent my life pushing away the very thing I crave. I will leave before I am left. I will not grovel beg or plead. I will pack up my things and go before the words ever come to your lips. I don’t need you…how is it then that I find myself here…needing you?
I can kneel at your feet begging silently for your touch and without a word walk out the front door.
On some basic level, we are meant to need others. To connect, engage, share… love. …beyond all subtext and agenda, looking past all the wreckage of our pasts and baggage… we all want …..No, *need* to know & be known…
If I have become dependent on my Master does that make me a sad pathetic creature? Or have I found a level of protection and love most other women can only dream of?
Have I come all this way to lose myself?
If he wanted me enough to claim me this completely would he then change my core, my essence? Will I still be me?
He tells me that I am loved, safe and cared for. I do feel all of those things all the time.
I need his control.
With complete dependence brings complete vulnerability
I feel myself becoming enslaved to such a degree that I fear I will be unable to leave him.
This 24/7 D/s lifestyle is turning into more than theory or fantasy its turning into something that I see lasting for a long time.
If my mindset were *not* altered, would I then become, over time, disillusioned and unhappy in my role at slave?
My need to serve, to belong, to obey, enriches my life. I feel as if the fantasy of my dreams is becoming my reality.
I need his control. I have become dependent on it. What if he decides that after all is said and done...it’s not what he wanted?
What *is* the difference?
I am/was? An independent woman, needing no one. I have deep issues of abandonment. If I don’t need anyone they can’t hurt me when they leave. Bonding, attaching and getting close to someone can cause incredible and deep wounding mental pain.
I am very sexy and very fun, but have not been very loving. With both hands I have spent my life pushing away the very thing I crave. I will leave before I am left. I will not grovel beg or plead. I will pack up my things and go before the words ever come to your lips. I don’t need you…how is it then that I find myself here…needing you?
I can kneel at your feet begging silently for your touch and without a word walk out the front door.
On some basic level, we are meant to need others. To connect, engage, share… love. …beyond all subtext and agenda, looking past all the wreckage of our pasts and baggage… we all want …..No, *need* to know & be known…
If I have become dependent on my Master does that make me a sad pathetic creature? Or have I found a level of protection and love most other women can only dream of?
Have I come all this way to lose myself?
If he wanted me enough to claim me this completely would he then change my core, my essence? Will I still be me?
He tells me that I am loved, safe and cared for. I do feel all of those things all the time.
I need his control.
With complete dependence brings complete vulnerability
I feel myself becoming enslaved to such a degree that I fear I will be unable to leave him.
This 24/7 D/s lifestyle is turning into more than theory or fantasy its turning into something that I see lasting for a long time.
If my mindset were *not* altered, would I then become, over time, disillusioned and unhappy in my role at slave?
My need to serve, to belong, to obey, enriches my life. I feel as if the fantasy of my dreams is becoming my reality.
I need his control. I have become dependent on it. What if he decides that after all is said and done...it’s not what he wanted?
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Welcome Home Master
With a snap of your fingers I move quickly to your side as you grip my hair tightly before pushing me to my knees pulling back my head so that my throat is bared to you, submissive, vulnerable, and open. The pulse of my life throbs against the proof of your ownership, my collar.
With a smile you take a soft white rope and bind my wrists behind me. My back is streaked with the marks of your flogger, still warm to the touch and raised upon my skin from just this morning. I utter not a word but readily comply with your wordless demands.
Your hold is unrelenting and firm as you lean over to press your lips against my neck and I release my held breath in a shuttering moan as I feel the warmth of your exhale.
I notice the impossible hardness of your cock as it strains out from the fabric of your pants and my breath quickens. A deep growl resonates within your chest and your teeth sink in to the creamy whiteness of my neck. Blood seeps past your lips and over my shoulder. I feel faint and weak in my exhilaration.
As I enter a state of peace and well being you pull back and move my face to the ever growing desire of your cock and I kiss you there…softly, lovingly worshiping that undeniably wonderful male part of you.
You unzip your pants and move your cock past my welcoming lips to the inner warmth and wetness of my mouth. As I run my tongue over the tip, I taste you and I almost cum myself. Your thrusts grow more urgent and forceful and I relax my throat to allow for your complete pleasure. When you finally grant me the gift of your release, it’s thick and sweet on my tongue. I let it linger there as I breathe deeply once again, my body shivering in your pleasure.
As the hold on my hair softens I feel you pull my head to your thigh stroking me gently. I smile and curl myself obediently at your feet.
My eyes full of devotion I look up into yours and I whisper. “Hello, my Master. Welcome home.”
With a smile you take a soft white rope and bind my wrists behind me. My back is streaked with the marks of your flogger, still warm to the touch and raised upon my skin from just this morning. I utter not a word but readily comply with your wordless demands.
Your hold is unrelenting and firm as you lean over to press your lips against my neck and I release my held breath in a shuttering moan as I feel the warmth of your exhale.
I notice the impossible hardness of your cock as it strains out from the fabric of your pants and my breath quickens. A deep growl resonates within your chest and your teeth sink in to the creamy whiteness of my neck. Blood seeps past your lips and over my shoulder. I feel faint and weak in my exhilaration.
As I enter a state of peace and well being you pull back and move my face to the ever growing desire of your cock and I kiss you there…softly, lovingly worshiping that undeniably wonderful male part of you.
You unzip your pants and move your cock past my welcoming lips to the inner warmth and wetness of my mouth. As I run my tongue over the tip, I taste you and I almost cum myself. Your thrusts grow more urgent and forceful and I relax my throat to allow for your complete pleasure. When you finally grant me the gift of your release, it’s thick and sweet on my tongue. I let it linger there as I breathe deeply once again, my body shivering in your pleasure.
As the hold on my hair softens I feel you pull my head to your thigh stroking me gently. I smile and curl myself obediently at your feet.
My eyes full of devotion I look up into yours and I whisper. “Hello, my Master. Welcome home.”
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
41 Days Until I Meet my Master
October 7, 2009
I feel a great many things about that. Excitement for the future and the fear of the unknown and failure. Two years and two months now I have called this man my Master and yet he has not once touched my face or even kissed me. All has been done in words only. Spellbinding words that continue to jump from the page right to my heart.
Progressing to the use of voice chat in the last 6 months has been a monumental leap forward. So much is conveyed with a voice and then there is body language, the missing element. I will drink him in, his every movement, stance, the tilt of his head, the way he smiles or is disapproving all of those wordless ways people communicate. I think at first though I will allow myself to concentrate only on his voice. That voice that can and does charm me, hypnotize me, seduce me, command me, enrapture me, calm me.
I *am* ready. At least as ready as I will ever be. Some things just must be experienced real life. I can go over and over what it all may be like or what I hope it will be like but the truth will reveal itself in the everyday living of a 24/7 D/s relationship.
How will his ownership of me change? Because it certainly will although perhaps maybe expand more than change? Over the past 2 years we have blurred those lines and done some crossover of online and real life. It is all about to become very real life.
As for my fears….What if I fail? What if no matter how much I may want to, I cannot fill that desire in him for the perfect slave? What if I do not match his expectations for me as his slave? What if I am not pretty enough, obedient enough, devoted enough, smart enough to get and keep his interest?
On the other side of things…how would I feel if I let that fear stop me from ever finding out if I *could* do it?
I feel a great many things about that. Excitement for the future and the fear of the unknown and failure. Two years and two months now I have called this man my Master and yet he has not once touched my face or even kissed me. All has been done in words only. Spellbinding words that continue to jump from the page right to my heart.
Progressing to the use of voice chat in the last 6 months has been a monumental leap forward. So much is conveyed with a voice and then there is body language, the missing element. I will drink him in, his every movement, stance, the tilt of his head, the way he smiles or is disapproving all of those wordless ways people communicate. I think at first though I will allow myself to concentrate only on his voice. That voice that can and does charm me, hypnotize me, seduce me, command me, enrapture me, calm me.
I *am* ready. At least as ready as I will ever be. Some things just must be experienced real life. I can go over and over what it all may be like or what I hope it will be like but the truth will reveal itself in the everyday living of a 24/7 D/s relationship.
How will his ownership of me change? Because it certainly will although perhaps maybe expand more than change? Over the past 2 years we have blurred those lines and done some crossover of online and real life. It is all about to become very real life.
As for my fears….What if I fail? What if no matter how much I may want to, I cannot fill that desire in him for the perfect slave? What if I do not match his expectations for me as his slave? What if I am not pretty enough, obedient enough, devoted enough, smart enough to get and keep his interest?
On the other side of things…how would I feel if I let that fear stop me from ever finding out if I *could* do it?
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